The State of the Former Union

The Speech Trump Will Give Tonight, Translated.

My fellow Americans, distinguished members of Congress, and everyone watching from home—whether you’re in a beautiful Trump-brand condo, a Trump golf resort mansion, a Trump penthouse, or if you’ve already reserved a suite at the future Trump Gaza Resort & Casino—or if, sadly, you’re stuck in a cramped, mildewy trailer somewhere in the ugly part of America—welcome to the most tremendous State of the Union you’ve ever witnessed.

A preview of tonight.

Many people ask me, “Mr. President, how do you sleep at night with all these so-called ‘problems’ you caused just in the first month of your forever term?”

"How do you answer people who say your actions are hurting America at home and in those places with other funny-sounding names?” And I tell them: “Like a baby.” Because their so-called problems aren’t real problems—they’re opportunities for us to shine. And by “us,” I mean me, Donald Trump, your favorite—and last—President.

Let’s begin with our perfect economy and our spectacular tariffs. They’re the biggest, the best tariffs ever, and they’re making us so rich.

I know the “Deep State Stock Market” is lying about our winning tariffs, which supposedly cost us $1.9 trillion in value over the last 48 hours.

Let me address this. Some of you are whining that Canada, Mexico, China, and other so-called allies have retaliated and that the tariff war will raise prices, destroy farming, auto manufacturing, and tech, and cause us to lose billions in exports and millions of jobs.

If you’re in an industry feeling the squeeze, maybe that’s a sign you need to innovate. This is The Apprentice 101: adapt or die—kiss my ring (and maybe donate to my campaign for an exemption) or go under. If you can’t figure out how to compete when we’re simply leveling the playing field for our friends, then maybe you’re not cut out for this economy. There are always going to be winners and losers. Guess whose side I’m on? The winners’.

And for losers who can’t handle it, maybe you can pick up a second job or sell something online. Don’t complain to me; I didn’t stop you from diversifying. Sure, we may not even have the manufacturing capability to provide many of the products most Americans will now find unaffordable. I’m just ensuring America’s new Trade War goes down in the record books. Some say it will cause a Great Depression. I say it will cause the Greatest Depression.

That’s leadership.

Next up, my decision to pivot away from NATO and leave Ukraine in the dust. People say, “Why are you switching to back the dictator Putin? Why are you abandoning NATO? What about American values?”

I, Donald J. Trump, declares tonight that alliances are for cucks. NATO was draining us. It’s not like they came to our aid after 9/11 or fought on our side all over the world. Right?

Now, by teaming up with Russia, we stand to gain a lot. And again, America. By “we” I mean “me.”

They’ve got resources, global clout, and an attitude I really respect. Some call me “Krasnov,” but I call myself a man who picks a winner—and Vladimir Putin is more than just my handler and best friend. He’s a winner. He’s a role model. He smells like forbidden love and honeysuckle.

Any man whose people love him so much they’ll leap out of windows, volunteer to go to prison or drink radioactive tea for him is a man America should imitate. Elections? There’s a reason he always gets 99% of the vote.

He’s strong. Manly. He gives off a thick musk that makes me feel odd sensations in my Depends and invokes memories of hookers and full bladders, but I digress.

I know some people want to go back to when Americans fought dictators and defended freedom, but those are old, boring ideas. Vladimir Putin calls me every night and tells me I’m the strongest, smartest, most handsome President he ever recruited.

I’m his little Krasnov, and Zelensky can suck it.

Also, while I promised no new wars, Pete Hegseth — I call him Party Pete. He’s there in the Cabinet section. He’s got a paper bag with a bottle on the floor there. Share with Pam Bondi, Pete. She’s gonna need it. — Pete’s getting rid of those woke generals who say, “Mr. President, invading Gaza is insane” or “Sir, sir, we can’t nuke Greenland,” and we’re getting ready to drive many tanks — many strong, American tanks — into the heart of Canada to return it to the bosom of the American Fatherland.”

Some of you have noticed we’re making fantastic progress in getting the government out of the business of helping taxpayers and into the business of helping investors—investors in my campaign, mostly.

As you know, I’ve handed the keys to the entire government —tax records, Social Security data, everything—over to Elon Musk and DOGE. Some scream, “That’s too much power for one man!”

If you’re that worried about what Elon might do with your precious info, maybe you shouldn’t have paid into Social Security all those years. Because, frankly, nobody cares about the little guy’s financials. Do you think Elon will sift through your tax returns for fun? He has bigger fish to fry. He’s a busy man.

Yes, many say he’s my Co-President, but they’re wrong. Vladimir Putin is my Co-President. Elon runs all the details and operations, controls the money, directs the White House and Agency staff at every level, and cuts programs and agencies that might reduce his profits at Tesla or SpaceX, but that’s not too much power for anyone, especially someone as based as Elon. Just don’t call him President.

We’re just consolidating government under one self-identified super-genius, jacked up on Adderall, Ketamine, and Viagra. A real man’s man—so many kids! More than even I had. I believe some of “the blacks” call him a “baby daddy.” Two words we love: baby, daddy. Great words, very strong.

People are going crazy for Elon’s cuts. They love them. Such big, beautiful cuts.

Sure, we’re cutting nuclear security officers, park rangers, weather forecasters, air traffic controllers, FEMA, consumer protection, veterans’ suicide counseling—basically any wasteful program Elon and BigBallz69_420 say we don’t need.

Tonight I’m here to announce that’s just the start.

Since you loved those cuts so much, we also closed USAID, shutting down efforts to fight Ebola, AIDS, malaria, and other diseases only those foreign black people get. Yuck. Some critics say that means more folks might die overseas or that medical crises could spread. But guess what? Not my problem. It’s called an ocean, and no one can swim across it.

It’s time Americans actually pay for the government services they get. I know you say you pay taxes already, but that barely covers the tax cuts we’re giving to members of the Trump Platinum Elite Donor Club. Grandma and Grandpa or Mom and Dad in those fancy “elite” nursing homes must return home to their children and restore the nuclear family.

Once they’re living at home again, you’ll barely miss their Social Security and Medicare payments anyway. Elon tells me you won’t need those Medicare home health assistants. His robots can handle that.

If you want weather forecasts, pay for the Trump Forecast App. If you want to fly safely, join the Trump Air Traffic Club or…I can’t help what happens. With the Trump Air Traffic Club Diamond Plan, we guarantee all-white, non-DEI flight crews. If you want a National Park, buy a condo on the golf course at Trump Yellowstone.

The stock market is down, and the media loves screaming “crash.” Let me tell you something: the real crash is how many people crash on their couches instead of seizing this golden window to invest in my future. If your 401(k) looks sad, that’s on you for not diversifying into Trump Memecoin, Trump NFTs, or Trump merch. If your portfolio tanked, you should’ve sold at the top. Or, as my alleged son Eric says, “Buy the dips.” Eric is manning the swag booth on your way out—get a hat; we’re keeping track.

Farmers, middle-class folks, retired teachers—some of you claim you’re suffering even though you voted for me. You never expected the cuts to hurt you, right? Well, have you seen the Pentagon? It’s now whiter than a Klan rally in Dicksniff, Mississippi. Doesn’t that make you happy?

I’m sure it’s tough. But guess what? You should be proud. The suffering you feel is paying for the tax breaks our desperate billionaires need. We’re in a Golden Era, remember?

You don't deserve the ups if you can’t handle the downs. Buy the dip. Trust me, the ups will be spectacular—for me, Elon, Bezos, Thiel, Andreesen, Zuckerberg, Schwartzman, and others. You’ll cheer louder if you want to keep your citizenship.

So there’s a measles outbreak. People say, “Children are getting sick! People could die!” My buddy Bobby Kennedy—where is he, by the way? Look at him, so cut, so strong, like he just ate roadkill—says Vitamin A is better than vaccines, and he should know!

You think that’s a joke, but maybe if you took better care of yourselves, you wouldn’t be so susceptible to every bug that comes along. Look at me. Healthiest President in history.

Sure, vaccines exist, but if you don’t want them, don’t get them. Don’t come crying to me if you get sick. This administration believes in freedom—including the freedom to come down with an easily preventable disease. Suck it up. We had measles long before fancy vaccines, and civilization didn’t collapse, did it?

They say COVID was caused by Bill Gates—who I call “5G Chip Man” because of the vaccines. If you’re poor in some shithole country counting on American aid, maybe find another sugar daddy. We’re busy using our funds for important stuff, like a tax cut for Elon.

That’s the part I’m most excited about: giving the richest 0.00001% of Americans a massive tax break. Some whiners say, “But that’s not fair to struggling families!”

Look, if you’re struggling, that’s on you. My economy is perfect for some people. The important people.

The super-wealthy are winners, and winners deserve rewards. They’re the job creators, the risk-takers who inherited their money fair and square, cashed in on government subsidies, or invented fancy financial derivatives that definitely won’t crash the economy.

Meanwhile, we’re raising taxes and removing deductions for anyone under $400,000 a year. Why? Because that’s how we fund essential things—like tax cuts and Elon’s rocket company. We need your dollars; Americans need discipline. The wealthiest citizens are already busy building empires, so the rest of you can pitch in.

It’s precisely what the Founders intended when they said America should look more like Russia in 1991: the strong thrive, the weak pay more. If you don’t like it, maybe wait for the American Gulag—I promise it’ll be the biggest, best Gulag ever. Believe me.

There’s been a lot of negativity around our decision to drop a big chunk of America’s wealth into a Bitcoin fund. People say it’s too volatile. My response? Volatility is excitement. And who wants a boring investment portfolio? This is America—we don’t do boring.

Some of you might see your taxes skyrocket while we plow your money into crypto. You’ll say, “This is nuts.” But if Bitcoin blasts to the moon and isn’t a rug-pull like my Memecoin, we’ll look like geniuses—mostly me. If it tanks, well, we tried. Either way, it beats letting dollars rot in retirement accounts, IRAs, or government bonds, right?

I know I promised to get inflation under control on Day One. You’re shocked I lied?

Yes, inflation is up. Gas and groceries cost more. Some families resort to food banks. Blame Biden, I will—forever. It’s time Americans get tough, like me. Poor crybabies. In a robust, unstoppable economy like ours, prices go up. That’s how it works, folks. Maybe budget better if you’re upset about a few extra bucks for eggs or bread. Or hold a $5 million-a-plate fundraiser at your country club—that’s the American Dream.

If you’re truly struggling, maybe you should start a side hustle. I hear backyard chickens are helping some folks. Barron recommends the Tate Brothers Hustler’s University.

Some say the mood in America is dark. That’s because miscreants and saboteurs—some people call them “constituents,” but that word’s too big for me—have the audacity to show up at town hall meetings of my loyal employees (the GOP caucus) to complain about what co-President Musk and I are doing to—I mean, for—them.

They tell me, “Mr. President, we can’t show our faces without getting screamed at!” And I say, boo-hoo. If you support my agenda—and you’d better, or I’ll have my mob visit you—then you’d better stand strong.

If your voters are mad, maybe explain my brilliance better. That’s how we separate winners from losers: winners stay on top, and losers get in the boxcar. Simple.

We all know the greatest crime of the 21st century was the illegal persecution of those innocent tourists who merely wandered into the Capitol on January 6th. I’m proud to have Proud Boys, Oath Keepers, and white supremacists back on the streets, after some “jury of their peers” put them away for crimes they definitely committed.

The left whines, “They’re criminals; they attacked cops!” Well, guess what? They’re my Americans. Sometimes, people following my orders get physical. Don’t make me have to ask them again.

If you were in the Capitol that day and got a little beat up and you’re still suffering from PTSD, toughen up. Back the black and blue, I always say.

People moan that our new Attorney General and FBI Director are going after my critics and rivals—“Persecution!” they cry. But guess what: if you’re under investigation, it’s probably because you’re doing something wrong or you spoke out against me, ever. We can’t have criminals or traitors sabotaging our successes.

If the deep-state sleeper agents are squeaky clean, you’ve got nothing to worry about. Right? Justice will be served with a straight shooter like Kash Patel in charge.

So there it is, folks. We’ve got tariffs causing price hikes, we’ve joined Putin’s Axis of Evil, Ukraine’s out in the cold, Elon Musk controls the government, the stock market is crashing, we're ignoring a measles outbreak, the super-elite gets giant tax cuts, we’re building a Bitcoin Ponzi plan, inflation is soaring, constituents are furious, the January 6th crew I freed are the core of my domestic terrorist army, we cut off foreign aid, and my political opponents are getting hammered by investigations.

Sounds like a laundry list of disasters, right?

But that’s the point. They’re not disasters. They’ve been the plan all along.

If you’re hurting, maybe you should figure out how to fit into our new America—preferably by praising and thanking me.

So, as you can see, many of my plans and promises in the campaign were nothing but a cheap sales pitch to get you over the line and voting for me. Project 2025 was the plan all along. I don’t care who gets hurt or how much it costs, as long as I get mine and stay out of prison.

At this point, who do you have to blame for believing me? Me? I don’t think so.

Thank you, and may God bless the real patriots of the United States. May the rest of you find a way to deal with it. Good night.